So this is my first blog post at this address.... (the ones that came before this one being imported by me from myspace blogs!)
and as the name suggests, I can assure you its probably not going to make sense, what I say, what I mean by what I say. This is purely just a collection and reflection of thoughts and happenings in the life of me. This will follow me in my day to day happenings, as life moves on its journey and i try to move with it, at the same pace as its moving.
As the name suggests, it will be crazy, it will sometimes be ramblings, though sometimes have a point and it will be assorted as interactions with different people bring new insights and new discovery and new perspectives into my thoughts and my life.'
Though, not many people will read this I know somehow I need to write this to get it clear in my head, and make sense of them.
Join me in this journey if you dare.
Cheerio
Jess
Friday, December 28, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
YEAR IN THE SON was....
YITS was...
the most amazing year I have experienced in my 18 years of life.
The most freeing experience of my life
the year I met the most fantastic people with the biggest hearts for God and for changing the world.
the Year i truly found myself, the sometimes quiet and deep, sometimes superficial and loud and zany and spontaneous and caring (for others and the world) person that the rest of YITS accepted regardless of past experiences.
the most indescribeable year EVER!
the most fun i've had EVER
the most meaningful.
the year i Cried the most, laughed the most, got headaches the most, questioned the most, shared the most of myself and recieved little pieces of most peoples hearts....
even more than I EVER expected!!
The year I TRULY found God and understood his AMAZING love and grace!
the year I realised I wanted to see the world and make a difference to the people that are less fortunate than me and learn from those people....
Nothing can take the place of everyone that experienced this year with me in YITS and especially the perhaps lifelong friendships that have come out of this year (yes.... I'm meaning you, Mel Maidment)....
I'm sorry for being "absent" for half the year... I'm sorry if i didn't get to know everyone really well. I'm sorry that I didn't feel comfortable to cry in front of you and break down in front of you until later on in the year and didn't feel comfortable enough to open up to everyone until later on in the year...
Though, i think if i did anything differently, i wouldn't have had the same year and I'm thankful for the year i did have!!!
I'm writing this hoping that YITS people are reading this. If you are, I really do THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! YOU ALL have made a positive impact on my life and on my heart! I will maybe forget you though, and grow apart from everyone but the memories that we have shared and the 1000's of photos we all took will be with me possibly forever!!
I learnt to interpretive dance, the act like an idiot and not care, to express myself through paint and art further. i learnt that its about the journey, not about the destination!
I learnt that the experience is more important than the outcome (thanks Sally).
that everything can be more fun with more people being louder!
That being on my P's is really no fun in my small group, though it does mean that 5 or more people can get to where we have to be.
I learnt that its ok to be late sometimes!
That myspace and msn are really good if you don't wanna do an assignment!
I learnt that you can get sick of cruisers and that Southern Comfort and Coke is pretty good!
I learnt that it is ok not to have it all together and it is ok to cry sometimes!
I learnt a heck of a lot from the YITS crew this year.... thankyou for expanding my mind well beyond what we may or may not have learnt through lectures.... Thankyou!
Yeah!! and as i head into the holidays with a whole lot of work ahead of me! and then next year, head into a bachelor of arts majoring in Youth Work (or Bachelor of Youth Work, which is what i come out of it with).... I will never forget the people or experiences of this year.... as some of them I will see next year at Youth Work anyway. and some of the friendships going past these next two/three years and into the rest of my life... I'm excited about the possibilities of the future!
Special thanks must go to Mel Maidment, Carly Adler, Deanne Gray, Sally Parker, Aaron Lange, Shane Burford, Naomi Backler and others who have been my light in the darker parts of the year, the people I can always count on for a hug or for someone to talk to... and of course to everyone else who was there as support and let me be me!
Well this year is over. A season is over. I'm grieving the loss of the old season, but welcoming the new excitingly....
cya round like a rolling donut coming to attack you in your sleep
Jess
the most amazing year I have experienced in my 18 years of life.
The most freeing experience of my life
the year I met the most fantastic people with the biggest hearts for God and for changing the world.
the Year i truly found myself, the sometimes quiet and deep, sometimes superficial and loud and zany and spontaneous and caring (for others and the world) person that the rest of YITS accepted regardless of past experiences.
the most indescribeable year EVER!
the most fun i've had EVER
the most meaningful.
the year i Cried the most, laughed the most, got headaches the most, questioned the most, shared the most of myself and recieved little pieces of most peoples hearts....
even more than I EVER expected!!
The year I TRULY found God and understood his AMAZING love and grace!
the year I realised I wanted to see the world and make a difference to the people that are less fortunate than me and learn from those people....
Nothing can take the place of everyone that experienced this year with me in YITS and especially the perhaps lifelong friendships that have come out of this year (yes.... I'm meaning you, Mel Maidment)....
I'm sorry for being "absent" for half the year... I'm sorry if i didn't get to know everyone really well. I'm sorry that I didn't feel comfortable to cry in front of you and break down in front of you until later on in the year and didn't feel comfortable enough to open up to everyone until later on in the year...
Though, i think if i did anything differently, i wouldn't have had the same year and I'm thankful for the year i did have!!!
I'm writing this hoping that YITS people are reading this. If you are, I really do THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! YOU ALL have made a positive impact on my life and on my heart! I will maybe forget you though, and grow apart from everyone but the memories that we have shared and the 1000's of photos we all took will be with me possibly forever!!
I learnt to interpretive dance, the act like an idiot and not care, to express myself through paint and art further. i learnt that its about the journey, not about the destination!
I learnt that the experience is more important than the outcome (thanks Sally).
that everything can be more fun with more people being louder!
That being on my P's is really no fun in my small group, though it does mean that 5 or more people can get to where we have to be.
I learnt that its ok to be late sometimes!
That myspace and msn are really good if you don't wanna do an assignment!
I learnt that you can get sick of cruisers and that Southern Comfort and Coke is pretty good!
I learnt that it is ok not to have it all together and it is ok to cry sometimes!
I learnt a heck of a lot from the YITS crew this year.... thankyou for expanding my mind well beyond what we may or may not have learnt through lectures.... Thankyou!
Yeah!! and as i head into the holidays with a whole lot of work ahead of me! and then next year, head into a bachelor of arts majoring in Youth Work (or Bachelor of Youth Work, which is what i come out of it with).... I will never forget the people or experiences of this year.... as some of them I will see next year at Youth Work anyway. and some of the friendships going past these next two/three years and into the rest of my life... I'm excited about the possibilities of the future!
Special thanks must go to Mel Maidment, Carly Adler, Deanne Gray, Sally Parker, Aaron Lange, Shane Burford, Naomi Backler and others who have been my light in the darker parts of the year, the people I can always count on for a hug or for someone to talk to... and of course to everyone else who was there as support and let me be me!
Well this year is over. A season is over. I'm grieving the loss of the old season, but welcoming the new excitingly....
cya round like a rolling donut coming to attack you in your sleep
Jess
Thursday, September 20, 2007
17-19th September (Slum Survivor reflections)
Hey, just got home from Slum Survivor which got put on at Tabor. It was an amazing experience. I think i ended up with tears in my eyes by the end of it because it was over. Still think i don't quite understand poverty and the lengths these people who live like this everyday go through. Though, I know understand that it is SOOO easy to get sick when you live like this. I got a bit dehydrated and a bit heat stroked and threw up once, and had a really bad headache, but other than that it was amazing. sleeping with almost nothing. sleeping on cardboard. eating only 2 meals a day of very basic food (of which i only ate 2 meals in total), got me thinking about the extremity of living like this every day, and being exposed to everything that the weather throws at them, and being able to get sick very easily, and not relying on all the handy little "knick knacks" that consume our savings and consume our lives, that we think we need. I have come to think that what we "need", may not be what we need but rather what we want to make our lives easier, i guess. so, in the future hope to think about things and not just be a shop and buy something because i think i need it, i will refrain from buying it just because i want it. Because i guess i have thought that my house is far far bigger than the slum house we stayed in for those two nights, that i probably thought our slum house was too big for the four people staying in it both nights, that it was too crowded with just even the boxes of food and medical supplies kept in our house. That, by the end, i thought we had way too much, and just walking back home, has been just amazing because i walked into a house so cluttered with stuff, stuff that just gets put on a shelf or a table or wherever it will fit and not get used for a month or two, which makes me think i don't need that item badly enough to keep it, though mum will probably sugest a reason why we still need it. yeah. just my thoughts about it. Will go think about the experience some more.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
thoughts for the 14th and 15th September, 2007
Well I just thought I'd express my thoughts, opinions and actions in this thing, which no one will read.
I've kinda figured out over the last couple of days, that even though I've tried changing it, I can't, that I like being the centre of attention, and I don't like other people getting more attention than me. Though, I suppose it's part of my personality now and that won't change very easily. Anyway. Last night, I had thought that I had lost my passion and enthusiasm for what I was doing, that was kinda scary. Also, about last night, I was there meant to be supportive to other people, and even there I couldn't shake the selfishness and wanting to be the centre of attention and because I couldn't i reverted inwards into my own thoughts and thoughts that no one cared flowed across my mind. Anyway, at the end of last night, me and a couple of friends went to Maccas, and looking back on it, I think I was being a bit hostile and a bit closed towards them. Every question they asked, I answered with a one word answer, or very hostile answer. Every time they focussed on me,or someone gave me attention, I would think they did it out of obligation instead of wanting to talk to me, that they were relieved when i left, because they thought i was just a hanger on, that they didn't really want me to be there. I decided coming out of maccas that I wasn't going to participate in whatever they were planning on doing tonight, because I thought they need a break. I even thought that I might not bother to go to church on sunday either. That it'd be easier that way.
Another thing that I've been concerned with over the past few weeks is the money that I seem to be spending so freely, and the fact that I cannot save money. That, and the sudden realisation over the past few weeks that people in other countries only get paid something like a couple of dollars a day for making the shoes that we wear and the clothes we just buy just because they're there. For this reason of realising that I spend too much money, I have limited myself to something like fifty dollars a week. I know that that may seem like quite a bit of money, but when I have been known to spend 200 dollars a week or something great like that, I think its cutting down. Of course it has been hard and will continue to be hard for a while, because I have not got used to it yet. but i hope that i can succeed in this.
One of my lecturers said the other week that we cannot truly understand poverty and people in other countries suffering until we have experienced it for ourselves. I think that is SO true. I mean,I try to understand it, and think I understand it,but in honesty I don't at the moment. I want to experience seeing other countries and I want to be able to understand it. I want to be able to help them too. Only a few people know of this desire of going over to somewhere like Vietnam and experience life over there, and maybe even help the people over there. I don't think anyone truly understands the passion to do this, not fully anyway. For my course that I'm doing, we are going to partly "experience" this slum community and poverty, by participating in something called "slum survivor", though its not really slumming it, because we'll still be on campus grounds and most people will have some luxuries, like sunglasses and sunscreen and sleeping bag and are bringing a luxury item like a pillow or torch or teddy or sleeping mat, that they can win back. I like to think that I've taken it one step further, by cutting off all but the bare essentials, like just the clothes on my back, cutlery and crockery, a notepad and pen, and i'm splurging and indulging and taking a toothbrush and toothpaste. Some people have even got excuses and are bringing an esky of food and the use of the car for the 50 hours we're doing this for. So, in my opinion, they're not really "slumming it", i get quite annoyed by these people. One person I admire greatly is one of the lecturers from my course, who went over to asia for about 2 months or something like that, and got to experience a different lifestyle and got to help in some way, shape or form, the people over there. I want to do the same. Yeah, I suppose that is what I really think. Words cannot describe it, but one way I have described it in the past to prove my point, is that what we're doing for two and a bit days is meant to be slumming it, and seeing what homelessness and "poverty" are in todays society and NOT just a sleepover at tabor for two nights. yeah. I'd be quite happy to just be sleeping in a cardboard box against the wall of the building with nothing but a bit of food for a couple of days, but i don't think the lecturer would like that very much or approve of that.
Of course the annoyances of previous blogs are still current and are still apparent in my mind and in my life, though i won't stuff on like this forever.
well i guess thats all for now
not always this down on life.
wednesday was FANTASTIC!!
Jess
I've kinda figured out over the last couple of days, that even though I've tried changing it, I can't, that I like being the centre of attention, and I don't like other people getting more attention than me. Though, I suppose it's part of my personality now and that won't change very easily. Anyway. Last night, I had thought that I had lost my passion and enthusiasm for what I was doing, that was kinda scary. Also, about last night, I was there meant to be supportive to other people, and even there I couldn't shake the selfishness and wanting to be the centre of attention and because I couldn't i reverted inwards into my own thoughts and thoughts that no one cared flowed across my mind. Anyway, at the end of last night, me and a couple of friends went to Maccas, and looking back on it, I think I was being a bit hostile and a bit closed towards them. Every question they asked, I answered with a one word answer, or very hostile answer. Every time they focussed on me,or someone gave me attention, I would think they did it out of obligation instead of wanting to talk to me, that they were relieved when i left, because they thought i was just a hanger on, that they didn't really want me to be there. I decided coming out of maccas that I wasn't going to participate in whatever they were planning on doing tonight, because I thought they need a break. I even thought that I might not bother to go to church on sunday either. That it'd be easier that way.
Another thing that I've been concerned with over the past few weeks is the money that I seem to be spending so freely, and the fact that I cannot save money. That, and the sudden realisation over the past few weeks that people in other countries only get paid something like a couple of dollars a day for making the shoes that we wear and the clothes we just buy just because they're there. For this reason of realising that I spend too much money, I have limited myself to something like fifty dollars a week. I know that that may seem like quite a bit of money, but when I have been known to spend 200 dollars a week or something great like that, I think its cutting down. Of course it has been hard and will continue to be hard for a while, because I have not got used to it yet. but i hope that i can succeed in this.
One of my lecturers said the other week that we cannot truly understand poverty and people in other countries suffering until we have experienced it for ourselves. I think that is SO true. I mean,I try to understand it, and think I understand it,but in honesty I don't at the moment. I want to experience seeing other countries and I want to be able to understand it. I want to be able to help them too. Only a few people know of this desire of going over to somewhere like Vietnam and experience life over there, and maybe even help the people over there. I don't think anyone truly understands the passion to do this, not fully anyway. For my course that I'm doing, we are going to partly "experience" this slum community and poverty, by participating in something called "slum survivor", though its not really slumming it, because we'll still be on campus grounds and most people will have some luxuries, like sunglasses and sunscreen and sleeping bag and are bringing a luxury item like a pillow or torch or teddy or sleeping mat, that they can win back. I like to think that I've taken it one step further, by cutting off all but the bare essentials, like just the clothes on my back, cutlery and crockery, a notepad and pen, and i'm splurging and indulging and taking a toothbrush and toothpaste. Some people have even got excuses and are bringing an esky of food and the use of the car for the 50 hours we're doing this for. So, in my opinion, they're not really "slumming it", i get quite annoyed by these people. One person I admire greatly is one of the lecturers from my course, who went over to asia for about 2 months or something like that, and got to experience a different lifestyle and got to help in some way, shape or form, the people over there. I want to do the same. Yeah, I suppose that is what I really think. Words cannot describe it, but one way I have described it in the past to prove my point, is that what we're doing for two and a bit days is meant to be slumming it, and seeing what homelessness and "poverty" are in todays society and NOT just a sleepover at tabor for two nights. yeah. I'd be quite happy to just be sleeping in a cardboard box against the wall of the building with nothing but a bit of food for a couple of days, but i don't think the lecturer would like that very much or approve of that.
Of course the annoyances of previous blogs are still current and are still apparent in my mind and in my life, though i won't stuff on like this forever.
well i guess thats all for now
not always this down on life.
wednesday was FANTASTIC!!
Jess
Monday, August 6, 2007
Thoughts of the 6th August, 2007
I've been thinking....
that some people i know are so materialistic.... i don't think they know it either and these people I am getting so angry at...
most people think only about themselves and every conversation i have with them are like a "my horse is bigger than your horse" debate thing... my conversations are NEVER intended to be like that. Its freakin annoying...
How much I bought in the past 6 months or so... and stuff i don't even think i need now.. I'm thinking I should have a cleanout of my room and just give most of the stuff to a charity or the bin and organize remaining stuff...
WOW!!! I may seem rather materialistic myself... but its a trait I no longer want in my life... after the Spiritual growth 2 lecture i had today... its really sinking in..
yeah thats some of my thoughts for today.
Jess
that some people i know are so materialistic.... i don't think they know it either and these people I am getting so angry at...
most people think only about themselves and every conversation i have with them are like a "my horse is bigger than your horse" debate thing... my conversations are NEVER intended to be like that. Its freakin annoying...
How much I bought in the past 6 months or so... and stuff i don't even think i need now.. I'm thinking I should have a cleanout of my room and just give most of the stuff to a charity or the bin and organize remaining stuff...
WOW!!! I may seem rather materialistic myself... but its a trait I no longer want in my life... after the Spiritual growth 2 lecture i had today... its really sinking in..
yeah thats some of my thoughts for today.
Jess
Monday, July 23, 2007
Thoughts of the 23rd July, 2007
These are just my thoughts for tonight.
1. I get absolutely annoyed at everything at the moment. I don't know why i do. But for some reason all my annoyances are focussed on some people from various groups I'm not going to mention. But I think the reason for my annoyances, is that I'm getting ignored by some people (those people i would also not mention here). But I feel that I'm not being listened to most of the time.. I've figured out over the past few weeks that I need to be the centre of attention. I don't mean to be, but just feel like i need to be. and for nearly all of my years, I have been told to sit on the sidelines watching other people who seem to be much better than me. I end up wishing i was the people in the limelight, I wish that I was the people that other people were watching from the sidelines wishing they were me. So yeah, I know God has told me that my time will come for me to step up to the plate and that my time will come where i am the centre of attention. But he also told me that I have to wait. But I feel at this time that I can't wait. I know I'm impatient, and that I need to learn to be patient, but its just the way I am and its not going to change, and it'll take time. Yeah, so, every once in a while I need and would like to be listened to, whether its just for me to have some input into a conversation, or to say a joke that just came into my head, or to vent or rant to, or to say something completely random. Yeah. so if you're not willing to listen or you don't have time to just say at least hi to me.... then you should just GO AWAY!!! and we should not be friends.... because I LOVE to have my voice heard at some point. but when people don't listen to me I start to get angry and annoyed at other people. Start to be jealous at the people who are taking my best friends away from me. And if you're not going to make promises you can't keep, WHY MAKE THE PROMISES IN THE FIRST PLACE?!? yeah sorry i feel as if i need to go down to my beach. break something, yell or SOMETHING, to get this anger out of me... as I'm not usually an angry...
I've also learnt that I like to monopolize people and things. I like to be in complete control and when I'm not, I also get quite annoyed. Yeah. I spose as a Christian, I'm not meant to be in complete control. God is meant to have control over my life and I need to hand over things to God, but its also really hard and may take some time.
I've also learnt that yelling is a GOOD thing. I think i may do it more often.
I'm thankful to all those people that HAVE listened to me, have said the simplest things such as HI! to me, to those people who give me hugs when I want them or when I ask for them, for those people who have let me rant and rave and act like a lunatic. I salute you. I admire you... YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO ME!!! I hold that closely and admire you a LOT for that.
And this just may be a rant and a rave of mine. but if you have read this. I thank you too.
I think I may get over this annoyed state very soon. Hoping to. But till then. Hoping I can enjoy my birthday and party.
Cheerio
Jess
1. I get absolutely annoyed at everything at the moment. I don't know why i do. But for some reason all my annoyances are focussed on some people from various groups I'm not going to mention. But I think the reason for my annoyances, is that I'm getting ignored by some people (those people i would also not mention here). But I feel that I'm not being listened to most of the time.. I've figured out over the past few weeks that I need to be the centre of attention. I don't mean to be, but just feel like i need to be. and for nearly all of my years, I have been told to sit on the sidelines watching other people who seem to be much better than me. I end up wishing i was the people in the limelight, I wish that I was the people that other people were watching from the sidelines wishing they were me. So yeah, I know God has told me that my time will come for me to step up to the plate and that my time will come where i am the centre of attention. But he also told me that I have to wait. But I feel at this time that I can't wait. I know I'm impatient, and that I need to learn to be patient, but its just the way I am and its not going to change, and it'll take time. Yeah, so, every once in a while I need and would like to be listened to, whether its just for me to have some input into a conversation, or to say a joke that just came into my head, or to vent or rant to, or to say something completely random. Yeah. so if you're not willing to listen or you don't have time to just say at least hi to me.... then you should just GO AWAY!!! and we should not be friends.... because I LOVE to have my voice heard at some point. but when people don't listen to me I start to get angry and annoyed at other people. Start to be jealous at the people who are taking my best friends away from me. And if you're not going to make promises you can't keep, WHY MAKE THE PROMISES IN THE FIRST PLACE?!? yeah sorry i feel as if i need to go down to my beach. break something, yell or SOMETHING, to get this anger out of me... as I'm not usually an angry...
I've also learnt that I like to monopolize people and things. I like to be in complete control and when I'm not, I also get quite annoyed. Yeah. I spose as a Christian, I'm not meant to be in complete control. God is meant to have control over my life and I need to hand over things to God, but its also really hard and may take some time.
I've also learnt that yelling is a GOOD thing. I think i may do it more often.
I'm thankful to all those people that HAVE listened to me, have said the simplest things such as HI! to me, to those people who give me hugs when I want them or when I ask for them, for those people who have let me rant and rave and act like a lunatic. I salute you. I admire you... YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO ME!!! I hold that closely and admire you a LOT for that.
And this just may be a rant and a rave of mine. but if you have read this. I thank you too.
I think I may get over this annoyed state very soon. Hoping to. But till then. Hoping I can enjoy my birthday and party.
Cheerio
Jess
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