I have just got home and just actually seriously contemplating doing some study for the day, even though in a few hours I will be off again, to dance (which I love). As I have a million things to do when it comes to study, I really don't know where to begin and what to do to make a difference and a dent in the workload. Also, as my thoughts start to race and I go back into contemplative Jess mode that I have been trying to escape and steer clear of since youth work retreat pretty much, too focussed on other stuff and trying to reduce stress levels. There are many words I want to tell many people about just how much they mean to me and how much i have missed them, and how much i don't want to be forgotten, but i think it would be a little bit weird to say it all to those people right now. (I know this isn't making a lot of sense).
Since youth work retreat, I have become so focussed on study and the stuff that needs to be done that I have neglected everything on the other side of that, the prayer, the bible reading, the thinking about things (although that was probably getting a little bit excessive and causing much of the anxiety), but i have missed that, missed thinking through and deciphering meaning out of actions and people and stuff, that it feels like i have become so surface level and so self involved that it is hard to get out of that. I want to find a balance between being the uber contemplative and being quite the opposite, but i don't know how people find that balance and just want someone to tell me how its meant to be. Same with confidence and humility balance, i don't know how people can be confident enough to speak out about stuff they know about and are passionate about and so on, but then retain that humility and humbleness to not be a little bit overconfident and loud and so on and so forth. Because for me, its either being shy, quiet and 'humble', sitting back, watching everything happen or being loud, lary, overconfident, laughing and talking way too loud at everything. So yeah.
It will feel good to have time to breathe and get the work done that needs to be done in some appropriate time frame. Where i can have time to write stuff like this and think about stuff deeper than i have been during the past couple of months.
I have to say that just getting out there and doing stuff and being the loud, almost hypomanic person i have been have been quite refreshing. Started out at youth work retreat, where i connected with a person who has become quite a dear friend of mine, this person is quite the opposite of me which is why i found it weird and also slightly exhilarating when this person was in the car with me heading out to go wine tasting and i was able to share with her about wanting to put all the quiet scared side of me aside and be more like her, which seemed like she was more out there and loud and more confident as a whole. When I told her this, I think she looked at me in surprise and said "why would you wanna be like me?", and then throughout the course of that day we became closer and I got to know more about this person that it seemed i had looked up to, and maybe even put on a pedestal for a bit, she became more real, and i discovered that there are always two sides to every story. Although we haven't had the level of in-depth conversation that I would like to have, I have told her parts of my story and she has told me bits and pieces of hers, and I hope that this is safe. Anyway, so connected with this person and becoming friends with her, has I guess given me the confidence to come out of my shell for a time, and become more loud and talk more in groups and so on and so forth, but with the loudness and confidence, i think i lost that part of myself that can sit down and draw meaning out of situations and make comments and analyze situations and people and all that jazz, which is helpful in most of my classes, but in particular the one i had today. So I wish i had that back, but at the same time, I wish I still had this newly found confidence.
I also refound meaning in youth work, I guess you'd call it, in the midst of a lecture on Monday night. We were talking about AOD and youth work and how we can use contacts and networking within youth work to be able to better help clients that we have (in this instance, in the field of AOD work, but can be opened up to other areas). And then we were talking about CV's and job applications and how to sell yourself pretty much, and it just suddenly clicked that we were learning this stuff, not because it was like school where you learnt it and got a grade and then put it on the shelf not to be used again. we were learning this stuff, so that one day down the track we could use this information and pass this info on to a young person and maybe even change their life. And it also clicked that I do have the skills and the knowledge to do this job (i hope) and all i have to do is be a little more confident in my abilities and be able to articulate that to get a job in the youth sector, and that where i was at the time (at the moment, in my work and placement) maybe isn't where I wanna be, i do wanna try some stuff out and experience different areas of youth work and investigate it some more.
Oh how i long for the summer days where i can wear less layers of clothing and not be sitting here fingers shaking from the cold.
Another thing that has been on my mind (haha) for a while is my mental health and the stress levels, since my lip has been swelling due to the stress levels again as of late. Its been annoying, but I felt I needed to go to the doctor just to get some relief of what i was going through, and I got myself so psyched up to go and to talk to her, and then i walked in and she straight away referred me onto a psychologist so i am yet to make that appointment because at the moment I feel fine and have for the past few days or so. But it seemed that from the questionnaires that she gave me that i had an extremely high anxiety rating, and it has gotten worse since seeing her. I have also noticed my moods going from low to high and fluctuating from day to day... which is slightly disturbing...
ok. so i don't think i have anything else to say right this minute... so this is where i say goodbye.
Cheerio
Jess
