I haven't written on this thing for quite some time. In that past 3 - 4 months there have been many experiences, many God moments, many things that I have learnt, many people that have been my angels and my demons, so many smiles, laughs, crys, bad moods, good moods, excitement, dancing, writhing, etc.... in life, many things I wish I could take back, many things I wish I could have done or could do, many things that I was satisfied with the decision made....
Since August I have had Teens camp, learned Auslan, Queensland trip with work, had Cristy-Lee's 21st, had schoolies green team launch, prayer weekend at Hawthorn, kind of decided to change churches, helped in at the encounter youth office, preparing for my trip to Bangladesh in January, then Schoolies Festival 09, and the beginning of the city TEAR group....
Where to start, in that time, my relationship with God has (as it seems to me) has strengthened from the increased focussing on Him... I am just worried that it would seem that I am not doing it for God, but doing it instead for other people in the church, and I don't know whether I am just trying to justify it to myself and reason with myself to kid myself into thinking that I am being a strong person, and follower. But had an awesome time on prayer weekend and on thursday nights at Thurs Nite Gatherin's. Even though this has not meant to have been my "church" for the week, it has been something to that effect every week.
At the time of writing this, it is one day until I fly out to Melbourne for a briefing for the TEAR trip to Bangladesh! It is starting to dawn on me that I won't be back home till the end of January and even though I have been quite calm, and getting quite excited. I am still also a little apprehensive about it as well because of the things that could happen. I could get bali belly, gastro, etc. I'm trying to overcome the negative thinking by thinking of the positives and of the lessons that will be learnt and the different sights that will be seen. Also, hoping that I get some alone time while on this trip, because I don't do well being around people all of the time. Hope it comes and goes quickly
Can't wait to go back to one50 dance again in 2010, which I guess is this year. Even though its only been a matter of weeks, it feels like ages. Missed the dancing and people in my class/club so much.
My Auslan classes were also so much fun! I can now sign a little bit in Auslan, and am looking forward to learning some more.
Schoolies Festival was another highlight for me this year. Even though we were a little disorganized, it all came together. With a few hiccups, we connected well together as the youth work team. I, myself, connected and got to know a few of the people in my team a little better, and I am such a better person for knowing these people. We seem so different, yet are so similar in so many ways.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
thoughts rushing like a river.
I have just got home and just actually seriously contemplating doing some study for the day, even though in a few hours I will be off again, to dance (which I love). As I have a million things to do when it comes to study, I really don't know where to begin and what to do to make a difference and a dent in the workload. Also, as my thoughts start to race and I go back into contemplative Jess mode that I have been trying to escape and steer clear of since youth work retreat pretty much, too focussed on other stuff and trying to reduce stress levels. There are many words I want to tell many people about just how much they mean to me and how much i have missed them, and how much i don't want to be forgotten, but i think it would be a little bit weird to say it all to those people right now. (I know this isn't making a lot of sense).
Since youth work retreat, I have become so focussed on study and the stuff that needs to be done that I have neglected everything on the other side of that, the prayer, the bible reading, the thinking about things (although that was probably getting a little bit excessive and causing much of the anxiety), but i have missed that, missed thinking through and deciphering meaning out of actions and people and stuff, that it feels like i have become so surface level and so self involved that it is hard to get out of that. I want to find a balance between being the uber contemplative and being quite the opposite, but i don't know how people find that balance and just want someone to tell me how its meant to be. Same with confidence and humility balance, i don't know how people can be confident enough to speak out about stuff they know about and are passionate about and so on, but then retain that humility and humbleness to not be a little bit overconfident and loud and so on and so forth. Because for me, its either being shy, quiet and 'humble', sitting back, watching everything happen or being loud, lary, overconfident, laughing and talking way too loud at everything. So yeah.
It will feel good to have time to breathe and get the work done that needs to be done in some appropriate time frame. Where i can have time to write stuff like this and think about stuff deeper than i have been during the past couple of months.
I have to say that just getting out there and doing stuff and being the loud, almost hypomanic person i have been have been quite refreshing. Started out at youth work retreat, where i connected with a person who has become quite a dear friend of mine, this person is quite the opposite of me which is why i found it weird and also slightly exhilarating when this person was in the car with me heading out to go wine tasting and i was able to share with her about wanting to put all the quiet scared side of me aside and be more like her, which seemed like she was more out there and loud and more confident as a whole. When I told her this, I think she looked at me in surprise and said "why would you wanna be like me?", and then throughout the course of that day we became closer and I got to know more about this person that it seemed i had looked up to, and maybe even put on a pedestal for a bit, she became more real, and i discovered that there are always two sides to every story. Although we haven't had the level of in-depth conversation that I would like to have, I have told her parts of my story and she has told me bits and pieces of hers, and I hope that this is safe. Anyway, so connected with this person and becoming friends with her, has I guess given me the confidence to come out of my shell for a time, and become more loud and talk more in groups and so on and so forth, but with the loudness and confidence, i think i lost that part of myself that can sit down and draw meaning out of situations and make comments and analyze situations and people and all that jazz, which is helpful in most of my classes, but in particular the one i had today. So I wish i had that back, but at the same time, I wish I still had this newly found confidence.
I also refound meaning in youth work, I guess you'd call it, in the midst of a lecture on Monday night. We were talking about AOD and youth work and how we can use contacts and networking within youth work to be able to better help clients that we have (in this instance, in the field of AOD work, but can be opened up to other areas). And then we were talking about CV's and job applications and how to sell yourself pretty much, and it just suddenly clicked that we were learning this stuff, not because it was like school where you learnt it and got a grade and then put it on the shelf not to be used again. we were learning this stuff, so that one day down the track we could use this information and pass this info on to a young person and maybe even change their life. And it also clicked that I do have the skills and the knowledge to do this job (i hope) and all i have to do is be a little more confident in my abilities and be able to articulate that to get a job in the youth sector, and that where i was at the time (at the moment, in my work and placement) maybe isn't where I wanna be, i do wanna try some stuff out and experience different areas of youth work and investigate it some more.
Oh how i long for the summer days where i can wear less layers of clothing and not be sitting here fingers shaking from the cold.
Another thing that has been on my mind (haha) for a while is my mental health and the stress levels, since my lip has been swelling due to the stress levels again as of late. Its been annoying, but I felt I needed to go to the doctor just to get some relief of what i was going through, and I got myself so psyched up to go and to talk to her, and then i walked in and she straight away referred me onto a psychologist so i am yet to make that appointment because at the moment I feel fine and have for the past few days or so. But it seemed that from the questionnaires that she gave me that i had an extremely high anxiety rating, and it has gotten worse since seeing her. I have also noticed my moods going from low to high and fluctuating from day to day... which is slightly disturbing...
ok. so i don't think i have anything else to say right this minute... so this is where i say goodbye.
Cheerio
Jess
Since youth work retreat, I have become so focussed on study and the stuff that needs to be done that I have neglected everything on the other side of that, the prayer, the bible reading, the thinking about things (although that was probably getting a little bit excessive and causing much of the anxiety), but i have missed that, missed thinking through and deciphering meaning out of actions and people and stuff, that it feels like i have become so surface level and so self involved that it is hard to get out of that. I want to find a balance between being the uber contemplative and being quite the opposite, but i don't know how people find that balance and just want someone to tell me how its meant to be. Same with confidence and humility balance, i don't know how people can be confident enough to speak out about stuff they know about and are passionate about and so on, but then retain that humility and humbleness to not be a little bit overconfident and loud and so on and so forth. Because for me, its either being shy, quiet and 'humble', sitting back, watching everything happen or being loud, lary, overconfident, laughing and talking way too loud at everything. So yeah.
It will feel good to have time to breathe and get the work done that needs to be done in some appropriate time frame. Where i can have time to write stuff like this and think about stuff deeper than i have been during the past couple of months.
I have to say that just getting out there and doing stuff and being the loud, almost hypomanic person i have been have been quite refreshing. Started out at youth work retreat, where i connected with a person who has become quite a dear friend of mine, this person is quite the opposite of me which is why i found it weird and also slightly exhilarating when this person was in the car with me heading out to go wine tasting and i was able to share with her about wanting to put all the quiet scared side of me aside and be more like her, which seemed like she was more out there and loud and more confident as a whole. When I told her this, I think she looked at me in surprise and said "why would you wanna be like me?", and then throughout the course of that day we became closer and I got to know more about this person that it seemed i had looked up to, and maybe even put on a pedestal for a bit, she became more real, and i discovered that there are always two sides to every story. Although we haven't had the level of in-depth conversation that I would like to have, I have told her parts of my story and she has told me bits and pieces of hers, and I hope that this is safe. Anyway, so connected with this person and becoming friends with her, has I guess given me the confidence to come out of my shell for a time, and become more loud and talk more in groups and so on and so forth, but with the loudness and confidence, i think i lost that part of myself that can sit down and draw meaning out of situations and make comments and analyze situations and people and all that jazz, which is helpful in most of my classes, but in particular the one i had today. So I wish i had that back, but at the same time, I wish I still had this newly found confidence.
I also refound meaning in youth work, I guess you'd call it, in the midst of a lecture on Monday night. We were talking about AOD and youth work and how we can use contacts and networking within youth work to be able to better help clients that we have (in this instance, in the field of AOD work, but can be opened up to other areas). And then we were talking about CV's and job applications and how to sell yourself pretty much, and it just suddenly clicked that we were learning this stuff, not because it was like school where you learnt it and got a grade and then put it on the shelf not to be used again. we were learning this stuff, so that one day down the track we could use this information and pass this info on to a young person and maybe even change their life. And it also clicked that I do have the skills and the knowledge to do this job (i hope) and all i have to do is be a little more confident in my abilities and be able to articulate that to get a job in the youth sector, and that where i was at the time (at the moment, in my work and placement) maybe isn't where I wanna be, i do wanna try some stuff out and experience different areas of youth work and investigate it some more.
Oh how i long for the summer days where i can wear less layers of clothing and not be sitting here fingers shaking from the cold.
Another thing that has been on my mind (haha) for a while is my mental health and the stress levels, since my lip has been swelling due to the stress levels again as of late. Its been annoying, but I felt I needed to go to the doctor just to get some relief of what i was going through, and I got myself so psyched up to go and to talk to her, and then i walked in and she straight away referred me onto a psychologist so i am yet to make that appointment because at the moment I feel fine and have for the past few days or so. But it seemed that from the questionnaires that she gave me that i had an extremely high anxiety rating, and it has gotten worse since seeing her. I have also noticed my moods going from low to high and fluctuating from day to day... which is slightly disturbing...
ok. so i don't think i have anything else to say right this minute... so this is where i say goodbye.
Cheerio
Jess
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sunday 14th June
Hey there,
Today continues the journey of looking at blessings in my life and the good things in my life rather than the bad, even though at the time I amy often see the bad things. I have promised myself to look for the good things.
Today was also a pretty good day. After going to the farmers market, and buying seedlings of vegetables to plant in the near future, (which includes rolly polly carrots, spring onions, brocolli, and lettuce, and planning on buying tomatoes and strawberry plants, and maybe some more herbs and rocket and spinach).... I continued weeding the garden which is going to be used, which is going to be continued during the course of this week before going to youth work retreat at the end of the week (hopefully, I get some time to do some decent writing over the retreat)....
After this I got to knit and watch movies and such... while still trying to think of what to write for my last assignment.
On the way home, I picked up a ring that mum had made out of an old brooch, not knowing that the superglue was still wet, and so got superglue all over my fingers.... kinda funny story.
Had a rather unexpectedly good meeting this afternoon as well. Had a good time with the young girl, Ruby, who said goodbye and said my name when i was going to walk out the door.... And had good conversation with the people i was meeting with as well, and just got a positive vibe from the people there.
When I went to church, I wasn't expecting much, because didn't have much conversation beforehand, although afterwards had amazing conversation. Saw Danielle and Fuzzy, who turned up to church after the service. And then went over to a friends house, where I had a great time and good conversations. I learned how to do a new sort of a knitting stitch which i am keen to try out. Also, dancing in the kitchen was heaps fun. Food was good and knitting and at the same time wearing aprons, and trying out deep fried chocolates including mars bars, snickers, toblerone, cherry ripe and later things like apples and other foods. As I was heading out the door, a friend yelled out something like "Jess, are you sneaking out as well? Bye Jess" to which other people started yelling out "bye Jess"..... twas a good night, even though it wasn't expected.
Today continues the journey of looking at blessings in my life and the good things in my life rather than the bad, even though at the time I amy often see the bad things. I have promised myself to look for the good things.
Today was also a pretty good day. After going to the farmers market, and buying seedlings of vegetables to plant in the near future, (which includes rolly polly carrots, spring onions, brocolli, and lettuce, and planning on buying tomatoes and strawberry plants, and maybe some more herbs and rocket and spinach).... I continued weeding the garden which is going to be used, which is going to be continued during the course of this week before going to youth work retreat at the end of the week (hopefully, I get some time to do some decent writing over the retreat)....
After this I got to knit and watch movies and such... while still trying to think of what to write for my last assignment.
On the way home, I picked up a ring that mum had made out of an old brooch, not knowing that the superglue was still wet, and so got superglue all over my fingers.... kinda funny story.
Had a rather unexpectedly good meeting this afternoon as well. Had a good time with the young girl, Ruby, who said goodbye and said my name when i was going to walk out the door.... And had good conversation with the people i was meeting with as well, and just got a positive vibe from the people there.
When I went to church, I wasn't expecting much, because didn't have much conversation beforehand, although afterwards had amazing conversation. Saw Danielle and Fuzzy, who turned up to church after the service. And then went over to a friends house, where I had a great time and good conversations. I learned how to do a new sort of a knitting stitch which i am keen to try out. Also, dancing in the kitchen was heaps fun. Food was good and knitting and at the same time wearing aprons, and trying out deep fried chocolates including mars bars, snickers, toblerone, cherry ripe and later things like apples and other foods. As I was heading out the door, a friend yelled out something like "Jess, are you sneaking out as well? Bye Jess" to which other people started yelling out "bye Jess"..... twas a good night, even though it wasn't expected.
Friday, June 12, 2009
saturday, 13th June
Ok, so I am going to start to try and 'blog' regularly.... in an attempt highlight life and its enjoyment, but also its struggles.
Last night, I came home from youth group feeling rather ambivalent. This was due to mixed reactions from people I talked to during the night, some positive, some less than positive. Although, I was not angry or annoyed at some of those people, I was slightly confused by their actions and reactions. So, anyway..... I came home, and to my surprise, was not really tired, so I thought, while I research something on the net, I will watch a movie. I chose 'August Rush' because I remember borrowing it a couple of days ago and still had not watched it after having it recommended by a friend as one I'd really really like. Sat down to watch it, knitting at the same time, and also trying to research a paper and for resources for work. I was captivated by the movie and the life that it brought to everyday situations. The movie, wasn't particularly 'everyday' only because it was an orphan boy who runs away from the orphanage and then meets up with several different groups of people, who then ends up at Julliard school of the Arts, which is where he finally finds his birth parents (anyway). But it was 'everyday' in the sense that he could hear the music and see the wonder in the everyday sounds around him and in the birds singing and the cars on the street and other peoples music and people moving around. I thought it was so amazing and inspiring how he was able to see the everyday as sort of magical and special and something to take notice of and celebrate. That night as I was drifting off to sleep at one in the morning, I had the biggest smile on my face, both because of the movie and remembering a conversation I had had earlier that night with few good friends of mine. I looked at the world outside my window and it was beautiful, the moonlight lighting up the courtyard and red tinge to the light that I could see over the roof that is visible from my window. and the stars that are only visible when the lights of the house have been turned off for a while and the colours that were illuminated by the moonlight. Yes, very magical. In that moment I felt like dancing.
As I sit here, writing this, I remember that I probably should be writing my final essay for the semester, even though I have a small pile of cupcake cookbooks sitting to the right of me, wanting to make those too, and also probably should start to weed the garden so that vegetables can be planted in the next few weeks.
So, as I go off and do those few things that I choose to do, but don't want to kick myself because I didn't get them all done. I bid you goodbye.
Cheerio
Jess
Last night, I came home from youth group feeling rather ambivalent. This was due to mixed reactions from people I talked to during the night, some positive, some less than positive. Although, I was not angry or annoyed at some of those people, I was slightly confused by their actions and reactions. So, anyway..... I came home, and to my surprise, was not really tired, so I thought, while I research something on the net, I will watch a movie. I chose 'August Rush' because I remember borrowing it a couple of days ago and still had not watched it after having it recommended by a friend as one I'd really really like. Sat down to watch it, knitting at the same time, and also trying to research a paper and for resources for work. I was captivated by the movie and the life that it brought to everyday situations. The movie, wasn't particularly 'everyday' only because it was an orphan boy who runs away from the orphanage and then meets up with several different groups of people, who then ends up at Julliard school of the Arts, which is where he finally finds his birth parents (anyway). But it was 'everyday' in the sense that he could hear the music and see the wonder in the everyday sounds around him and in the birds singing and the cars on the street and other peoples music and people moving around. I thought it was so amazing and inspiring how he was able to see the everyday as sort of magical and special and something to take notice of and celebrate. That night as I was drifting off to sleep at one in the morning, I had the biggest smile on my face, both because of the movie and remembering a conversation I had had earlier that night with few good friends of mine. I looked at the world outside my window and it was beautiful, the moonlight lighting up the courtyard and red tinge to the light that I could see over the roof that is visible from my window. and the stars that are only visible when the lights of the house have been turned off for a while and the colours that were illuminated by the moonlight. Yes, very magical. In that moment I felt like dancing.
As I sit here, writing this, I remember that I probably should be writing my final essay for the semester, even though I have a small pile of cupcake cookbooks sitting to the right of me, wanting to make those too, and also probably should start to weed the garden so that vegetables can be planted in the next few weeks.
So, as I go off and do those few things that I choose to do, but don't want to kick myself because I didn't get them all done. I bid you goodbye.
Cheerio
Jess
Friday, May 8, 2009
thoughts on lecture about transformation
I was in a lecture today with a guest lecturer. They were speaking on transformation and young people and spiritual formation in modern culture. It was a pretty big topic and so much that he could have spoken on, so it was a wonder he got through as much of it as he did. But it has got me thinking a little. So these are just my thoughts on what he said today.
- He was talking about how we don't use the passage in Jeremiah 29:11 -14 (for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and bring about the future you hope for) and the one about the rich man asking Jesus what he can do and Jesus responding "Go sell all of your possessions and then come follow me" together....I was wondering why we would put those together, but then he said something about our culture using selective exegesis for so long, that we have forgotten that everything in the Bible is placed there to be put together and as one long lesson for humanity.
- I liked the fact that I was confronted about the difference between my life at the moment and the way my life would look if I was to completely and fully follow Jesus in this time. and how Jesus would have used one way of teaching us, through hands on (i guess its called experiential) learning and taking people into liminal space (where all true and lasting transformation can occur) to get them to learn something and make lasting change.
- Also, we were speaking about two strands of change that Richard Rohr has identified. Either the thinking OR the behaviour changes, which will ultimately lead to changing in both thinking AND behaviour. Which branch of change, I guess is my question, leads to lasting change or is that only when we come to having new thinking and new behaviour does lasting change (true transformation) happen? and I guess taking people into liminal space and experiential learning make it easier for true transformation.
- I also liked the fact that God did not create us and allow us to live a consumer life. He created us to follow Him, although how we do that is very different for everyone due to what they choose to believe about God and about Jesus and their teachings. Although, I guess thats because we live in a society that lets use pick and choose even when it comes to "religion" and faith.
- We were taught that above all, Christianity was an Eastern religion before it became Westernized. As is Islam and Hinduism and others of that nature. So, some of the practices that Islam practice now, have their roots in the Bible. For example, people facing Meccah (sorry if this is incorrectly spelt) was originally from Daniel, who faces Jerusalem. Also, Praying multiple times a day, was from one branch of Christians, who prayed seven times a day, I think it was.
- The idea of transformation. And how it can be a lifelong journey of sorts. And that how my parents act can affect journey and transformation and how I act can transform others, even without us actively realising that this is happening. And asking the questions. How do people change? Why do people change? Why do people not change? What does it take for people to change? Can we manipulate environment to facilitate change (and change lives)? Transformation and experiential learning is a big part of TEAR and also a big part of the YITS program.
There were several other points the lecturer made during the two hours that we had with him, but I have not thought them through enough yet to make complete sense of them....
So I guess thats all i had to say at this point in time.
Apart from the fact that I learned to knit on Wednesday night, so am spending most of my spare time knitting myself a scarf... though it is a long process, but do not want to give up....
Cheerio
Jess
- He was talking about how we don't use the passage in Jeremiah 29:11 -14 (for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and bring about the future you hope for) and the one about the rich man asking Jesus what he can do and Jesus responding "Go sell all of your possessions and then come follow me" together....I was wondering why we would put those together, but then he said something about our culture using selective exegesis for so long, that we have forgotten that everything in the Bible is placed there to be put together and as one long lesson for humanity.
- I liked the fact that I was confronted about the difference between my life at the moment and the way my life would look if I was to completely and fully follow Jesus in this time. and how Jesus would have used one way of teaching us, through hands on (i guess its called experiential) learning and taking people into liminal space (where all true and lasting transformation can occur) to get them to learn something and make lasting change.
- Also, we were speaking about two strands of change that Richard Rohr has identified. Either the thinking OR the behaviour changes, which will ultimately lead to changing in both thinking AND behaviour. Which branch of change, I guess is my question, leads to lasting change or is that only when we come to having new thinking and new behaviour does lasting change (true transformation) happen? and I guess taking people into liminal space and experiential learning make it easier for true transformation.
- I also liked the fact that God did not create us and allow us to live a consumer life. He created us to follow Him, although how we do that is very different for everyone due to what they choose to believe about God and about Jesus and their teachings. Although, I guess thats because we live in a society that lets use pick and choose even when it comes to "religion" and faith.
- We were taught that above all, Christianity was an Eastern religion before it became Westernized. As is Islam and Hinduism and others of that nature. So, some of the practices that Islam practice now, have their roots in the Bible. For example, people facing Meccah (sorry if this is incorrectly spelt) was originally from Daniel, who faces Jerusalem. Also, Praying multiple times a day, was from one branch of Christians, who prayed seven times a day, I think it was.
- The idea of transformation. And how it can be a lifelong journey of sorts. And that how my parents act can affect journey and transformation and how I act can transform others, even without us actively realising that this is happening. And asking the questions. How do people change? Why do people change? Why do people not change? What does it take for people to change? Can we manipulate environment to facilitate change (and change lives)? Transformation and experiential learning is a big part of TEAR and also a big part of the YITS program.
There were several other points the lecturer made during the two hours that we had with him, but I have not thought them through enough yet to make complete sense of them....
So I guess thats all i had to say at this point in time.
Apart from the fact that I learned to knit on Wednesday night, so am spending most of my spare time knitting myself a scarf... though it is a long process, but do not want to give up....
Cheerio
Jess
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thoughts
I was on a camp on the weekend. The theme of the camp was 100% (being 100% for God, and God being 100% for us). We had a opportunity to write things down on a piece of paper and put it in a box, and at the end of the camp we burnt that box, it was symbolically saying we were giving it over to God. Which got me thinking. What does giving it over to God actually look like? and how are we meant to handle that, are we meant to remember this each day and not worry about it, because God has control of it. It's in his hands. Although it was always in his hands. How am I meant to be kept accountable to the things that I gave over to God.
I seem frazzled at the moment, due to the amount of stuff on my plate and seem to think that I have forgotten something I needed to do out of all the stuff I have to do. But out of everything I am serene. I am content and not all that worried about all the stuff and whether i have forgotten something.... which is completely weird! All I can think that it is is God and he has everything under control. I am overjoyed about that and the fact that God is good and will work everything out for the good of his people, his children.
Its also weird, I have never found the old testament or any of the Bible really easy to read, but reading it at the moment, parts of it are making sense.
Yeah..... i want some aspects of my life to make sense. I want to know what I am meant to do with the rest of my life. I want to be able to think deeper about life, and to understand further.... yeah.... I want to experience life to it fullest, and want to experience peace and love.... I want to hear God's voice.
Yeah. just a couple of thought recently.
Cheerio
Jess
I seem frazzled at the moment, due to the amount of stuff on my plate and seem to think that I have forgotten something I needed to do out of all the stuff I have to do. But out of everything I am serene. I am content and not all that worried about all the stuff and whether i have forgotten something.... which is completely weird! All I can think that it is is God and he has everything under control. I am overjoyed about that and the fact that God is good and will work everything out for the good of his people, his children.
Its also weird, I have never found the old testament or any of the Bible really easy to read, but reading it at the moment, parts of it are making sense.
Yeah..... i want some aspects of my life to make sense. I want to know what I am meant to do with the rest of my life. I want to be able to think deeper about life, and to understand further.... yeah.... I want to experience life to it fullest, and want to experience peace and love.... I want to hear God's voice.
Yeah. just a couple of thought recently.
Cheerio
Jess
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
jumble
Ever feel like you're doing life wrong or something?
Ever seem like you're standing in the middle of a room jumping around, yelling at the top of your lungs and no one even looks up, they just continue on their conversations, keeping telling their anecdotes, trying to make their lives seem better. Does it ever get better? I know this sounds like one of the lines out of Titanic, but its not, its me and its reality.
Reality, when you come down of the buzz of the hyperreal, looking at the magazines and the ads all around us of perfect women and men having perfect lives and perfect relationships, reality hits you square in the face. And you realise that behind every face theres a truth, and that the movies aren't true, theres not a camera following each person around showing them the best parts of their life, there are bad parts.
I had this experience tonight, it was like a flash of reality, I was standing under a shelter at a local park, with all these people from church, and everyone had someone to talk to, except for me. I soon got ushered into a conversation I didn't really care about, I kept looking at the ocean, thinking I wish I was nearer there, and then walking to my car about an hour later.... I think there were two people leave at the same time I did, both of them got energetic goodbyes and seeya laters and stuff, but because I walked around the edge of the soccer field, not straight through it, everyone ignored me, there were no "goodbye Jess", no "seeya Friday"s, no have a "good night"s. In that moment, I felt invisible. In that moment, I felt inferior and useless and rejected. Its a hard emotion, just the thoughts conjure up heavy emotion and physical signs of this. I just wish, sometimes I just wish that someone, anyone, would treat me the way I treat them. Would show even a hint of kindness and sincerity and take even a second to look up or away from wat they are doing and give a nod of their head or a wave or even a quick "bye" but nothing.... I feel like I give everything to these people, yet they probably don't even know that I've gone.... I don't hear anyone ever ask me, "so where'd you go the other night", or ask me more than once how i'm going, because it takes that many to get an actual truthful answer out of me, takes more than one hit to open the layer of cement over the truth. I know I may just be rambling on, and this stuff may actually happen, and I can't think of it at the moment, but today, as for now, I'm going to ramble and complain, because going back to the Titanic imagery, I don't want to get to the point of having the climb over the edge of a boat and almost fall for someone to notice, I'm sick of getting up those first few railings then realising its not worth it, I've done it too many times. I'm sick of it. Just once, I'd like someone to take the initiative and come over to me and ask me how i'm going, just once, i'd settle on small talk, even though I don't really like it that much. Just once, I want someone to say goodbye. Just once, I don't want to sneak out. Just once, I don't want to go home and complain about the evening/day, and say it was a waste of time. Just once, I don't want to be the crying mess of a person like I am tonight. I just wish, just once, that someone would organize a get together with me, and it not have to be my problem to work out when, where, why how, who, etc...... and not to make excuses when they can't come. I just want someone to tell me the truth about why they don't wanna hang around me or why they aren't talking to me!
Ever seem like you're standing in the middle of a room jumping around, yelling at the top of your lungs and no one even looks up, they just continue on their conversations, keeping telling their anecdotes, trying to make their lives seem better. Does it ever get better? I know this sounds like one of the lines out of Titanic, but its not, its me and its reality.
Reality, when you come down of the buzz of the hyperreal, looking at the magazines and the ads all around us of perfect women and men having perfect lives and perfect relationships, reality hits you square in the face. And you realise that behind every face theres a truth, and that the movies aren't true, theres not a camera following each person around showing them the best parts of their life, there are bad parts.
I had this experience tonight, it was like a flash of reality, I was standing under a shelter at a local park, with all these people from church, and everyone had someone to talk to, except for me. I soon got ushered into a conversation I didn't really care about, I kept looking at the ocean, thinking I wish I was nearer there, and then walking to my car about an hour later.... I think there were two people leave at the same time I did, both of them got energetic goodbyes and seeya laters and stuff, but because I walked around the edge of the soccer field, not straight through it, everyone ignored me, there were no "goodbye Jess", no "seeya Friday"s, no have a "good night"s. In that moment, I felt invisible. In that moment, I felt inferior and useless and rejected. Its a hard emotion, just the thoughts conjure up heavy emotion and physical signs of this. I just wish, sometimes I just wish that someone, anyone, would treat me the way I treat them. Would show even a hint of kindness and sincerity and take even a second to look up or away from wat they are doing and give a nod of their head or a wave or even a quick "bye" but nothing.... I feel like I give everything to these people, yet they probably don't even know that I've gone.... I don't hear anyone ever ask me, "so where'd you go the other night", or ask me more than once how i'm going, because it takes that many to get an actual truthful answer out of me, takes more than one hit to open the layer of cement over the truth. I know I may just be rambling on, and this stuff may actually happen, and I can't think of it at the moment, but today, as for now, I'm going to ramble and complain, because going back to the Titanic imagery, I don't want to get to the point of having the climb over the edge of a boat and almost fall for someone to notice, I'm sick of getting up those first few railings then realising its not worth it, I've done it too many times. I'm sick of it. Just once, I'd like someone to take the initiative and come over to me and ask me how i'm going, just once, i'd settle on small talk, even though I don't really like it that much. Just once, I want someone to say goodbye. Just once, I don't want to sneak out. Just once, I don't want to go home and complain about the evening/day, and say it was a waste of time. Just once, I don't want to be the crying mess of a person like I am tonight. I just wish, just once, that someone would organize a get together with me, and it not have to be my problem to work out when, where, why how, who, etc...... and not to make excuses when they can't come. I just want someone to tell me the truth about why they don't wanna hang around me or why they aren't talking to me!
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