jumble

Ever feel like you're doing life wrong or something?
Ever seem like you're standing in the middle of a room jumping around, yelling at the top of your lungs and no one even looks up, they just continue on their conversations, keeping telling their anecdotes, trying to make their lives seem better. Does it ever get better? I know this sounds like one of the lines out of Titanic, but its not, its me and its reality.
Reality, when you come down of the buzz of the hyperreal, looking at the magazines and the ads all around us of perfect women and men having perfect lives and perfect relationships, reality hits you square in the face. And you realise that behind every face theres a truth, and that the movies aren't true, theres not a camera following each person around showing them the best parts of their life, there are bad parts.
I had this experience tonight, it was like a flash of reality, I was standing under a shelter at a local park, with all these people from church, and everyone had someone to talk to, except for me. I soon got ushered into a conversation I didn't really care about, I kept looking at the ocean, thinking I wish I was nearer there, and then walking to my car about an hour later.... I think there were two people leave at the same time I did, both of them got energetic goodbyes and seeya laters and stuff, but because I walked around the edge of the soccer field, not straight through it, everyone ignored me, there were no "goodbye Jess", no "seeya Friday"s, no have a "good night"s. In that moment, I felt invisible. In that moment, I felt inferior and useless and rejected. Its a hard emotion, just the thoughts conjure up heavy emotion and physical signs of this. I just wish, sometimes I just wish that someone, anyone, would treat me the way I treat them. Would show even a hint of kindness and sincerity and take even a second to look up or away from wat they are doing and give a nod of their head or a wave or even a quick "bye" but nothing.... I feel like I give everything to these people, yet they probably don't even know that I've gone.... I don't hear anyone ever ask me, "so where'd you go the other night", or ask me more than once how i'm going, because it takes that many to get an actual truthful answer out of me, takes more than one hit to open the layer of cement over the truth. I know I may just be rambling on, and this stuff may actually happen, and I can't think of it at the moment, but today, as for now, I'm going to ramble and complain, because going back to the Titanic imagery, I don't want to get to the point of having the climb over the edge of a boat and almost fall for someone to notice, I'm sick of getting up those first few railings then realising its not worth it, I've done it too many times. I'm sick of it. Just once, I'd like someone to take the initiative and come over to me and ask me how i'm going, just once, i'd settle on small talk, even though I don't really like it that much. Just once, I want someone to say goodbye. Just once, I don't want to sneak out. Just once, I don't want to go home and complain about the evening/day, and say it was a waste of time. Just once, I don't want to be the crying mess of a person like I am tonight. I just wish, just once, that someone would organize a get together with me, and it not have to be my problem to work out when, where, why how, who, etc...... and not to make excuses when they can't come. I just want someone to tell me the truth about why they don't wanna hang around me or why they aren't talking to me!