Yeah.
I dunno.
I feel like crying right now, but don't really have a reason other than my day didn't go the way I'd have liked it to go. We were assigned groups for our major assignment, and it wasn't exactly the group I'd have hoped for, but I hope it will work! And I think I was missing a friend of mine because I could not remember a day at tabor where I did not have that friend there. I just felt out of the loop on everything. I just felt like I could not talk to anyone and that they would create meaningful and substantial conversation and discussion. I felt like I had this superficial relationship between me and everyone else in the lecture rooms. Although, these lectures today provided my brain with some journalling exercises. That was pretty much it! I think its just best now if I don't assume anything or have any sort of expectations of what the day will bring because I always end up dissappointed at these things and its frickin frustrating! I know I should take other peoples advice and just NOT overthink but I cannot help it. Its part of me and who I am, and sometimes I love it because its part of me, just the odd time I don't love it! It provides me with substance so that I don't feel like a superficial version of myself, one of the clones I sometimes feel as if I live around (not going off at anyone in particular, I promise). I NEED SUBSTANCE! I (sometimes) DON'T NEED FORM! yeah. It keeps my mind in check to make sure its still there! Though it may take me longer to think through an answer and I don't think I can answer any question off the top of my head (in situations like lectures or the like) I need time to think about it and would prefer to write it down rather than speak it out. Yeah. I dunno what is happening. I have noticed myself shaking a lot more than usual, which is weird, I don't know what that means.
I went out to dinner with a couple of youth work friends. I had a great time, the conversation with most were good. Though, I didn't get to talk to some people to which I would've really liked to have talked to just about how life was going and stuff like that, because I felt like i haven't talked to them in ages, well not properly and when I can't have a meaningful conversation with people I get annoyed at myself mostly.
thats all for now I think
Cheerio (which is NOT from Postman Pat)
Jess
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Thoughts of the 15th July, 2008
Reading a book called 'Blue Like Jazz', as a friend suggested it, and so I bought the book and have started reading it the other day. Even though I am not yet half way through. It has been a thrilling journey so far, with it enticing me to think as ever before and to write my own reflections on it in my journey and to read more as it stimulates my brain and my senses. I thank you, my friend, for suggesting this book. I have no favourite chapter as yet, all of them have been really interesting and intriguing.
Really I had no reason to post this but to keep myself updated and felt as if I could so I would.
"Take time to dance alone, one hand free to wave in the air"
I realised why I like to drive fast on dirt roads, well when its safe to do so: I like the feeling and the look of the dust rising and then settling back again, never in the same place twice. I also like the feeling of freedom, where there is nothing around you, but paddocks and trees and space, LOTS of SPACE! Not crowded, trying to fill up every square inch of ground and air with a building or some sort of man made structure. But surrounding you, whizzing past you is nature, God's creation, which I think is just lovely. I can't help but to smile just thinking about it. I would love to have just a picnic or something in one of those fields or paddocks. Laughing and eating and running around and sitting down and laying down on the picnic rug and the ground. That is my idea of peaceful bliss.
So far these holidays I have seemed like not doing much! working, sitting around, updating my CV and applying for jobs (I probably won't get, but hopefully will), going shopping, going on youth work retreat, talking to people, missing people who have left Adelaide for a little while. Many friends have decided to go on holidays or go outside of the state for a couple of weeks. And they all seem to be getting back on the 24th. Which is a couple of days before my birthday, so they might not want to celebrate my birthday with me! Well, at least I'm partially excited by the prospect of my birthday, even though it does involve spending money but it means that I'm a year older. Anyway.
Went to the zoo the other day. Well we were pretty much all hyped up for the experience, but then we walked in and pretty much went 'wow, this is a bit of a let down', but then it got more entertaining even though I ran outta energy about half way through the day. I swear the people at the zoo were more interesting that the zoo itself! well, the kid running behind us screaming out something like "MEERKATS, MEERKATS!". To which I started cracking up laughing, I started crying! The people I went with were rather amused by my laughing but a bit weirded out! Then came the monkey that opened it mouth and had funny eyebrows whenever someone squealed. It was really funny and got me to tears again. The girls standing in front of me were squealing the entire time trying to get this monkey to react! It seemed like the monkeys were the highlight of the day. Because we got to the Orangutans and one of them climbed up the giant post that was there and then swung around and looked at me. It was quite funny, I stood there for what seem like the longest time and then walked away with a smile on my face! But yeah, was a good day overall. Even though by the time I left the city, after going to buy some books and getting tea and doughnuts and subway, it was dark and I had to catch the tram!
Yeah I guess thats all!
Cheerio
Jess
Really I had no reason to post this but to keep myself updated and felt as if I could so I would.
"Take time to dance alone, one hand free to wave in the air"
I realised why I like to drive fast on dirt roads, well when its safe to do so: I like the feeling and the look of the dust rising and then settling back again, never in the same place twice. I also like the feeling of freedom, where there is nothing around you, but paddocks and trees and space, LOTS of SPACE! Not crowded, trying to fill up every square inch of ground and air with a building or some sort of man made structure. But surrounding you, whizzing past you is nature, God's creation, which I think is just lovely. I can't help but to smile just thinking about it. I would love to have just a picnic or something in one of those fields or paddocks. Laughing and eating and running around and sitting down and laying down on the picnic rug and the ground. That is my idea of peaceful bliss.
So far these holidays I have seemed like not doing much! working, sitting around, updating my CV and applying for jobs (I probably won't get, but hopefully will), going shopping, going on youth work retreat, talking to people, missing people who have left Adelaide for a little while. Many friends have decided to go on holidays or go outside of the state for a couple of weeks. And they all seem to be getting back on the 24th. Which is a couple of days before my birthday, so they might not want to celebrate my birthday with me! Well, at least I'm partially excited by the prospect of my birthday, even though it does involve spending money but it means that I'm a year older. Anyway.
Went to the zoo the other day. Well we were pretty much all hyped up for the experience, but then we walked in and pretty much went 'wow, this is a bit of a let down', but then it got more entertaining even though I ran outta energy about half way through the day. I swear the people at the zoo were more interesting that the zoo itself! well, the kid running behind us screaming out something like "MEERKATS, MEERKATS!". To which I started cracking up laughing, I started crying! The people I went with were rather amused by my laughing but a bit weirded out! Then came the monkey that opened it mouth and had funny eyebrows whenever someone squealed. It was really funny and got me to tears again. The girls standing in front of me were squealing the entire time trying to get this monkey to react! It seemed like the monkeys were the highlight of the day. Because we got to the Orangutans and one of them climbed up the giant post that was there and then swung around and looked at me. It was quite funny, I stood there for what seem like the longest time and then walked away with a smile on my face! But yeah, was a good day overall. Even though by the time I left the city, after going to buy some books and getting tea and doughnuts and subway, it was dark and I had to catch the tram!
Yeah I guess thats all!
Cheerio
Jess
Saturday, July 12, 2008
New Post - Partial Reflection from Youth Work Retreat
Thought as I'd posted a whole bunch of old stuff off of myspace on here. I'd actually bother to write something new on here and something original!
so here goes. I don't completely know what to write, and as I've said often enough before, I would be surprsed if anyone actually took the time to read this, let alone comment on this! so yeah....
I have been saying for ages that I have to write something in reflection of youth work retreat, but I don't think I have anything to say and the only things I have got are many photos with many more to come (hopefully) and many great (and some not so great) memories of the time away! I got to know so many more people so much better than I would have if I had not gone. Some of the people that went became the people in which I leant on in the darkest and the lightest parts of the retreat, who I opened myself up most to, and told the most to, and tended to hug the most. I felt extremely loved that weekend, not only by God but extremely accepted by the people around me.
One particular memory that will stay with me for hopefully a longer time yet, is on one night before dinner, I was writing in my notebook as I do, and I had been almost hyperactive the entire day, but then lost energy and felt rather down and rather needing to cry, so I told a friend that I was going to go on a walk and to my surprise they asked if they could come with. To which, to my surprise, I said yes, so we grabbed a soccer ball and went out walking, I walked in one direction, but then this friend said they didn't want to go toward the people that were in the near distance, so we ended up walking up to the furthest barrier of the campsite and then back, talking about pretty much everything under the sun. I felt thankful that they were there walking beside me, and thankful for the company and the conversation, even though I would've loved to have just walked, listening to music, and been able to cry, but this walk and this conversation was somehow equal to that, and that walk was calming and took my mind off what was bothering me, and let me get it out. I think that friend also felt thankful for that opportunity (well at least I hope they did!). I was so grateful for the hugs and the talks and walks with this particular person!
I also am grateful for the turns about the court with another particular friend, who I felt I could share most things with and they would be there encouragingly! They were able to give me encouragements to share at dead poets, when I did and was able to share a part of myself with others, when usually I would take a back seat!
I could not help but smile one night when I finally got to bed! I was talkin to God and this wave of happiness and smiliness just came over me! It was quite wonderful. I can't exactly remember what I was saying, I can a little bit, but it just made me happy but to think of experiences and past emotions and the good times over the past couple of days!
I can remember taking the longest route possible to get to Tanunda for our wine tasting day and then finding a much shorter road back! all the way there, a friend singing over and over something along the lines of "we're goin to the barossa, we're goin to the barossa", and then on the way back singing "we're all in this together" and the rest of the song by Ben Lee, making up a kind of a dance to it as well, which we then repeated as it got played by the musos organizing the worship (music worship) session (had to define that as I believe that the whole retreat was a time of worship and that we didn't need a certain time for worship). I had an amazing time on the Barossa wine tasting trip, another great memory was when we went into Stanley Lambert wines, in which two friends of mine decided to see how many times they could use my name in that winery. One of them even introducing me to the lady selling the wines and leading people through wine tasting with my last name, which got her asking if i was related to the owners of the winery. Yeah, it was a bit embarrassing.... but i got over it and still managed to have a good time! And because I was the self confessed bit of a wine connoisiuer (or however you spell it) I pointed out good wineries and good wines and grape varieties from whichever winery we were at! I led one of my friends in what to taste and they agreed to try those wines, although I was aware that they weren't a real wine (alcohol) person, so I tried not to subject them to much! One of my friends, who I wouldn't have thought it, actually rather liked wine compared to other alcoholic beverages, although I wouldn't have taken them for that preference and would've thought they were more of a beer person! Yeah... twas a good day
Another memory I have from retreat was the dancing lessons that we partook in the night I was feeling rather down. It started with me trying to teach a friend to spin, and then us both going into interpretive dance, to other friends coming in and then one of them teaching the rest of us to do pirouettes and ballet turns, to us all doing interpretive dance, to us learning how to ballroom and salsa dance. to even more people getting involved and us just putting on music and dancing. Ever through this, the people sitting around the bonfire were watching us, as it was like Big Brother (in some ways). This was rather weird as I only found about this later after the dancing had ended!
Dead poets was quite fun!
Will write more later.
Getting rather late and I kind of want to get to bed and finish reading Anne of Green Gables!
Cheerio (and no I did not get this off of Postman Pat)
Jess
so here goes. I don't completely know what to write, and as I've said often enough before, I would be surprsed if anyone actually took the time to read this, let alone comment on this! so yeah....
I have been saying for ages that I have to write something in reflection of youth work retreat, but I don't think I have anything to say and the only things I have got are many photos with many more to come (hopefully) and many great (and some not so great) memories of the time away! I got to know so many more people so much better than I would have if I had not gone. Some of the people that went became the people in which I leant on in the darkest and the lightest parts of the retreat, who I opened myself up most to, and told the most to, and tended to hug the most. I felt extremely loved that weekend, not only by God but extremely accepted by the people around me.
One particular memory that will stay with me for hopefully a longer time yet, is on one night before dinner, I was writing in my notebook as I do, and I had been almost hyperactive the entire day, but then lost energy and felt rather down and rather needing to cry, so I told a friend that I was going to go on a walk and to my surprise they asked if they could come with. To which, to my surprise, I said yes, so we grabbed a soccer ball and went out walking, I walked in one direction, but then this friend said they didn't want to go toward the people that were in the near distance, so we ended up walking up to the furthest barrier of the campsite and then back, talking about pretty much everything under the sun. I felt thankful that they were there walking beside me, and thankful for the company and the conversation, even though I would've loved to have just walked, listening to music, and been able to cry, but this walk and this conversation was somehow equal to that, and that walk was calming and took my mind off what was bothering me, and let me get it out. I think that friend also felt thankful for that opportunity (well at least I hope they did!). I was so grateful for the hugs and the talks and walks with this particular person!
I also am grateful for the turns about the court with another particular friend, who I felt I could share most things with and they would be there encouragingly! They were able to give me encouragements to share at dead poets, when I did and was able to share a part of myself with others, when usually I would take a back seat!
I could not help but smile one night when I finally got to bed! I was talkin to God and this wave of happiness and smiliness just came over me! It was quite wonderful. I can't exactly remember what I was saying, I can a little bit, but it just made me happy but to think of experiences and past emotions and the good times over the past couple of days!
I can remember taking the longest route possible to get to Tanunda for our wine tasting day and then finding a much shorter road back! all the way there, a friend singing over and over something along the lines of "we're goin to the barossa, we're goin to the barossa", and then on the way back singing "we're all in this together" and the rest of the song by Ben Lee, making up a kind of a dance to it as well, which we then repeated as it got played by the musos organizing the worship (music worship) session (had to define that as I believe that the whole retreat was a time of worship and that we didn't need a certain time for worship). I had an amazing time on the Barossa wine tasting trip, another great memory was when we went into Stanley Lambert wines, in which two friends of mine decided to see how many times they could use my name in that winery. One of them even introducing me to the lady selling the wines and leading people through wine tasting with my last name, which got her asking if i was related to the owners of the winery. Yeah, it was a bit embarrassing.... but i got over it and still managed to have a good time! And because I was the self confessed bit of a wine connoisiuer (or however you spell it) I pointed out good wineries and good wines and grape varieties from whichever winery we were at! I led one of my friends in what to taste and they agreed to try those wines, although I was aware that they weren't a real wine (alcohol) person, so I tried not to subject them to much! One of my friends, who I wouldn't have thought it, actually rather liked wine compared to other alcoholic beverages, although I wouldn't have taken them for that preference and would've thought they were more of a beer person! Yeah... twas a good day
Another memory I have from retreat was the dancing lessons that we partook in the night I was feeling rather down. It started with me trying to teach a friend to spin, and then us both going into interpretive dance, to other friends coming in and then one of them teaching the rest of us to do pirouettes and ballet turns, to us all doing interpretive dance, to us learning how to ballroom and salsa dance. to even more people getting involved and us just putting on music and dancing. Ever through this, the people sitting around the bonfire were watching us, as it was like Big Brother (in some ways). This was rather weird as I only found about this later after the dancing had ended!
Dead poets was quite fun!
Will write more later.
Getting rather late and I kind of want to get to bed and finish reading Anne of Green Gables!
Cheerio (and no I did not get this off of Postman Pat)
Jess
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