Well I just thought I'd express my thoughts, opinions and actions in this thing, which no one will read.
I've kinda figured out over the last couple of days, that even though I've tried changing it, I can't, that I like being the centre of attention, and I don't like other people getting more attention than me. Though, I suppose it's part of my personality now and that won't change very easily. Anyway. Last night, I had thought that I had lost my passion and enthusiasm for what I was doing, that was kinda scary. Also, about last night, I was there meant to be supportive to other people, and even there I couldn't shake the selfishness and wanting to be the centre of attention and because I couldn't i reverted inwards into my own thoughts and thoughts that no one cared flowed across my mind. Anyway, at the end of last night, me and a couple of friends went to Maccas, and looking back on it, I think I was being a bit hostile and a bit closed towards them. Every question they asked, I answered with a one word answer, or very hostile answer. Every time they focussed on me,or someone gave me attention, I would think they did it out of obligation instead of wanting to talk to me, that they were relieved when i left, because they thought i was just a hanger on, that they didn't really want me to be there. I decided coming out of maccas that I wasn't going to participate in whatever they were planning on doing tonight, because I thought they need a break. I even thought that I might not bother to go to church on sunday either. That it'd be easier that way.
Another thing that I've been concerned with over the past few weeks is the money that I seem to be spending so freely, and the fact that I cannot save money. That, and the sudden realisation over the past few weeks that people in other countries only get paid something like a couple of dollars a day for making the shoes that we wear and the clothes we just buy just because they're there. For this reason of realising that I spend too much money, I have limited myself to something like fifty dollars a week. I know that that may seem like quite a bit of money, but when I have been known to spend 200 dollars a week or something great like that, I think its cutting down. Of course it has been hard and will continue to be hard for a while, because I have not got used to it yet. but i hope that i can succeed in this.
One of my lecturers said the other week that we cannot truly understand poverty and people in other countries suffering until we have experienced it for ourselves. I think that is SO true. I mean,I try to understand it, and think I understand it,but in honesty I don't at the moment. I want to experience seeing other countries and I want to be able to understand it. I want to be able to help them too. Only a few people know of this desire of going over to somewhere like Vietnam and experience life over there, and maybe even help the people over there. I don't think anyone truly understands the passion to do this, not fully anyway. For my course that I'm doing, we are going to partly "experience" this slum community and poverty, by participating in something called "slum survivor", though its not really slumming it, because we'll still be on campus grounds and most people will have some luxuries, like sunglasses and sunscreen and sleeping bag and are bringing a luxury item like a pillow or torch or teddy or sleeping mat, that they can win back. I like to think that I've taken it one step further, by cutting off all but the bare essentials, like just the clothes on my back, cutlery and crockery, a notepad and pen, and i'm splurging and indulging and taking a toothbrush and toothpaste. Some people have even got excuses and are bringing an esky of food and the use of the car for the 50 hours we're doing this for. So, in my opinion, they're not really "slumming it", i get quite annoyed by these people. One person I admire greatly is one of the lecturers from my course, who went over to asia for about 2 months or something like that, and got to experience a different lifestyle and got to help in some way, shape or form, the people over there. I want to do the same. Yeah, I suppose that is what I really think. Words cannot describe it, but one way I have described it in the past to prove my point, is that what we're doing for two and a bit days is meant to be slumming it, and seeing what homelessness and "poverty" are in todays society and NOT just a sleepover at tabor for two nights. yeah. I'd be quite happy to just be sleeping in a cardboard box against the wall of the building with nothing but a bit of food for a couple of days, but i don't think the lecturer would like that very much or approve of that.
Of course the annoyances of previous blogs are still current and are still apparent in my mind and in my life, though i won't stuff on like this forever.
well i guess thats all for now
not always this down on life.
wednesday was FANTASTIC!!
Jess
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